Still Learning

 I like to wish that I am a good mother all of the time. I wish I was able to hold my composure and act in a healthy manner 24/7, but unfortunately I do not. 

I mess up. I get upset. I get frustrated. I become sad, angry and anxiety-ridden. I even sometimes yell. 

I hate that. 

I truly hate when I get mad and yell. It's something that I have been continuously trying to relearn. I grew up in a household where my mother was a single mother. My father... well, one day- no not one day, on my brother's Birthday, he was given money by my mother to grab my brother a Birthday gift. He left and never came back. I was 7 at this time. It wouldn't be until 13 years later that I saw his face again and 23 years later until I decided I was ready for a relationship with him. That's another story. My mother raised all 4 of us on her own. Worked two jobs and attended Cape Cod Community College all at the same time. I cannot even fathom going through what she did. She was tired, stressed and if she got upset she would yell. It's not something I am proud of but it is something that I have adopted at times as a parent. And it's something I am working through to unlearn. 

If you met my mother now you wouldn't even believe she would raise her voice. She's strong. She's full of love and faith. She has overcome more than most. We just celebrated 18 years of her being a brain cancer survivor. 18 years ago she was given two years to live. She's a badass and totally my role model. 

Getting back to my mothering... I have taught my daughter ways of calming down. They include deep breathes and talking about her feelings. The other day I messed up. I got upset. I raised my voice. My 4 year old looked at me and said, "Mom, we talked about this last week" (referring to my conversation with her), "You need to calm down. Let's do the song." And then she started...

"When you're feeling mad and you want to roar, take a deep breath--and count to four. (Deep breath) one..... two..... three.... four.... (exhale)." 

Well, damn. I was just hit with Daniel Tiger in a big way.

I was slapped with a pound of humbleness and a reality check across my face. 

I. Am. Still. Learning.